Harry's Motivation
by Kattelena Riana
Summary: Harry can’t seem to find the motivation to pursue Voldemort after he’s lost so much. He wants to give up, but finally realizes he can’t and that he owes it to himself. Songfic to “Pictures He Drew” by Bowling For Soup. !Harry contemplates suicide!


Harry breathed sharply. He just awoke from a horrible nightmare of that fateful night in the Astronomy tower. He sat up and thought about just a few months earlier.

i "We have to find the Horcruxes to destroy Voldemort," Harry told the rest of the trio plus Ginny, his new girlfriend.

The others weren't as sure as he, but after hearing him so confident in that fact, they believed they could too.

"Besides," he added, "Who else can save the wizarding world? They need us. I can't do this alone, but together, we're unstoppable."

He looked at Ginny and smiled. Having a girlfriend who you truly loved was great, especially when she was helping you save the world. He then glanced over at his two best friends. Together, they had endured many life-threatening adventures. Surely, this would just be another one to add onto the ever growing list.

He got up this morning,

He rolled out of bed,

And went out to change the world,

Her head on his shoulders,

He settles it down,

It all started over and over again. /i 

Harry shook his head at the thought. He had been so naïve then. He couldn't believe that having a girlfriend would have been good around a time of war, it didn't make any sense now.

This spurred a memory that helped him realize it wasn't such a great idea.

i Harry and Dumbledore were going to the cave where one of Riddle's Horcruxes were. When they got inside, and Dumbledore had to drink the potion, he realized it wasn't going to be very easy. One of the strongest men Harry knew seemed incredibly frail that day. He wondered at the time when he was making Dumbledore drink that dreadful potion why this all had to happen to him, why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't this happen to someone else? Forcing Dumbledore to drink that was horrible and caused him to feel guilty about his death. If Harry hadn't made him continue drinking the potion Dumbledore might have lived.

His mum made him breakfast,

He got on the bus,

Goes out to see the world,

Lies on the ground and wipes blood off his nose and,

Wonders why he doesn't fin into,

The pictures he drew,

But if only they told him,

You're never going to be like anyone,

And that's okay.

Give into your feelings,

Don't give into the ones who one ya,

Sometimes they just don't go away. /i 

Remembering this, Harry felt guilt tug at his heart. He still blamed himself for Dumbledore's death even though everyone told him it wasn't his fault. No matter what anyone told him, he couldn't believe it. i He /i made Dumbledore drink the potion making him weak. i He /i didn't prevent Snape from killing him. i He /i didn't stop Snape from leaving. It was just like Sirius's death with slight variation. i He /i had fallen for Voldemort's trick. i He /i had caused Sirius to go to the Department of Mysteries. i He /i didn't stop Bellatrix Lestrange from killing his godfather. i He /i didn't stop her so she couldn't devastate more people. No matter what anyone told him, he knew it was his fault.

Harry blinked his eyes hard trying to prevent the tears from coming. He did what he always did when this happened, snuck down to the liquor cabinet for a firewhiskey. He'd been pilfering them for about 2 months when no one was looking to help ease the pain. The adults always assumed it was someone else, someone who couldn't sleep, someone who just needed to relax, someone over 21. Harry qualified for 2 of those things. He figured that was good enough. He grabbed the bottle and held it up in mock toast. "To those who are dead because of me," Harry muttered, then drank it all in one gulp. The familiar burning in his throat made him feel better. He should suffer. Harry lay down to go back to sleep, or rather to think for hours until he could sleep. Even with alcohol, Harry could never fall asleep. How much he wished that this responsibility of the saving the entire wizarding world lay on the shoulders of someone else, anyone but him. He gave a wry laugh when he remembered that Dumbledore told him a while ago that it was almost Neville who would've been the Boy Who Lived. Now he wish it was.

i Six double martinis,

A night on the town,

Sure makes the mornings long,

He never imagined,

A lifetime like this would be,

The only thing to let him get in to,

The pictures he drew,

But if only they told him,

You're never going to be like anyone,

And that's okay.

Give into your feelings,

Don't give into the ones who one ya,

Sometimes they just don't go away. /i 

Harry thought about all that Voldemort had taken away from him; his parents, his godfather, his favorite teacher, his chance at having a girlfriend without her being on a hit list because of him, his chance at a normal life. Sometimes Harry just wanted to die, it wasn't worth it to live. His entire purpose was to kill, he wasn't sure if he wanted to live for that. All that was going to happen was everyone he loved was going to die, many of them already had. He contemplated doing so, he saw the broken firewhiskey bottle on the ground. It had sharp edges, he may be able to kill himself with it. He grabbed another firewhiskey and guzzled it down.

After having his throat burn again, Harry realized that i he /i shouldn't be the one to suffer all of this, it should be Voldemort. He cause all this, everything. The bastard deserved to die. He made Harry's life hell and Harry couldn't wait to send him there. Voldemort would pay for all he had taken from Harry. Even though he had vowed never to use i 'sectumsempra' /i again, he thought he could make an exception for Voldemort. He deserved all the torture he could get. Harry wished there was a spell to make him feel that pain that he inflicted upon everyone he had hurt.

i He gets up,

He falls down,

Wishes he could get the nerve to end it all now,

He picks up the phone,

And he slams it down,

And swallows another,

Now he'll never come 'round,

It's all or none,

It's one for one,

You can make it,

But ya' gotta do it all for yourself!

Get into the pictures he drew,

But if only they told him,

You're never gonna be like anyone,

And that's okay, with me, with me,

Give into your feelings,

Don't give into the ones that own ya, own ya,

Sometimes they just don't go away,

Sometimes they just don't go away. /i 


End file.
